At the worst moments, we are never alone….
Sixteen years of mulling over my words is long enough.
If you’ve ever wondered what kind of history would make someone release financial security and home comforts for the lifestyle we have chosen the past few years, this book will answer your curiosity. Here’s a snippet from the book, taking up when I was just returning to consciousness again under the car after a peculiar journey….
Unconscious from the moment the car landed on my back, every inch pinned to the earth, I felt a big, warm hand squeeze my fingers. Concern passed directly from his skin into mine. My first conscious thought was scrambling to make sense of the compressed and dark space I found myself in, with a calm third-party detachment. The first words to form in my head were “Oh – this must be the car accident she was about to have” while not quite yet remembering who ‘she’ was. Face sticky with blood and mud, from one eye I could barely spy the hint of shadows of people darting around trying to help as I heard the man brokenly yelling “She’s alive!”
I felt a distinct, instantaneous scan of my whole body and psyche, as if I was being zipped back together. Everything was accounted for and everything matched. I witnessed that I would be fine, that this attempt at continuing in the same body had a chance. I felt a bit of surprise that the body and soul should pair back up properly, already so changed from their previous fit.
“I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep. ” Walt Whitman
I had a sense of having been long ago and far away and returning with a new level of awareness available, a sense of an older and wiser part of me that had been awakened. It transcended fear. This familiar, august higher presence gave me an innate sense of acceptance and awareness that this was a great honor and opportunity, and in some hidden core I felt a thirst to undergo it. This peace and purpose is not something I had to talk myself into at a conscious level – it was self-evident, and a tremendous comfort. But I had no memory of where I had been, and the present moment was much too busy to stop and figure it out. It was almost like having leaped into a character and scrambling to understand who you’re playing and what they’re supposed to do next.
Higher self presence notwithstanding, I was being crushed to death. Third-party calm could only last so long. My heart couldn’t beat and I struggled to inflate my lungs against the weight. The instinct for survival kicked in with a healthy panic to escape the immediate suffering, although there was no fear of death itself. The frame of my perspective immediately reduced to the very, very human experience of feeling life compressed slowly out of me, of my pulses and rhythms bowing to the beast on my back. I begged the shadows above for a gasping help: “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!”
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